“An effective boundary is neither too rigid nor too loose. It offers protection while still keeping you connected to others, it offers structure, it limits the energy you devote to a person or situation, and it offers you choices rather than obligations or expectations. Visualize a stone wall with a gate that can be opened or closed. You are the gatekeeper, and no one gets access unless you say so.”
- Chad A. Buck, PhD
I know that we can have more fulfilling lives if we have the desire, the tools and the
willingness to grow. When we reflect on our personal stories, question the assumptions we’ve made and then choose what the next chapter of the story will be, the results can be
astonishing.
I spent the first four decades of my life being a “YES” person. Yes to obligations I didn’t want to take on. Yes to friendships that drained me. Yes to putting everyone’s needs ahead of mine. I was afraid of upsetting anyone, of hurting someone’s feelings, of not being liked. It was exhausting.
Looking back now, I can see that the main source of discomfort, stress and negativity was a lack of boundaries. Something would upset me, but I wouldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to seem rude or unpleasant or, ~gasp~, unlikeable. So I’d go along, putting up with whatever was making me unhappy, all while resenting the hell out of those around me, when in reality, I’d done it to myself. Most of the time, I felt that I didn’t have a choice. TRUTH: I always had a choice. I was just making the choice that made me look good to others, or so I thought.
Then, I began to understand the value of a powerful no.
At first, needing to justify my “no”, giving a long explanation as to why I was saying no. But I realized two important things:
1) Most people don’t care all that much. They aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are.
2) Most importantly, I realized that “No.” is a complete sentence.
The fact is, I’m still working on this and always will be.
It is my personal “life’s work”.
Fortunately, I find it fascinating, exciting, and inspiring, and so it has also become my professional “life’s work” to help others learn how to make this shift, because when you do, it will transform your life.
I live in Northern California with my husband, our daughter and our cat, Frank. My
favorite place to be is in our backyard on a day with no obligations. I love going on
outdoor adventures, I love cooking new recipes and I require a daily dose of good music.
In fact, I think I might shrivel up and die without music. Seriously.
Chat with me
We'll meet for 30 minutes over the phone or video call (per your preference) and we'll identify what area of your life is in greatest need of boundaries. You will come away with a sense of my coaching style and you'll have a strategy for implementing at least one change that will give you more room to breathe.